at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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