It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
