I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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