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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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