So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
