end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
MIDGETS
????
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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