Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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