The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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