Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
