I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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