Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
