I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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