she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
