I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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