Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize