Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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