The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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