her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
