Even water is tasting like jack daniels
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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