I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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