I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
