community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
