Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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