I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
