the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
