OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
