my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
