It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
