at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
