We're like a lot better than the average bears
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
