What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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