You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
