if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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