Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
