I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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