Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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