he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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