He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
