The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
