I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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