Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
we're so committed to being not committed
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
