Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
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After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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