I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
