Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
