I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
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when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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