We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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