i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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