I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
