now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
