Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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