by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize