Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
