My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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