Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
